Arkenstone Genie
by HoldTightAndPretendItIsAPlan
Summary: Before Bilbo gives the Arkenstone to the Humans and Elves he rubs it to clean some dirt off of it and… well, you read the title, what do you think happens?


He blinked. She blinked back. He blinked again to make sure. She winked back.

It was insane. Almost as insane as his decision to follow a group of 13 dwarves setting out to slay a dragon. Actually, on second thought, nothing could ever be as insane as that particular decision. (Though that didn't take away from the fact that what was happening right now was most certainly not normal)

"So, wait, let me get this straight. You're a wish granting rock?" Bilbo asked slowly.

She snorted. "Wish granting rock. That's a new one! The official title is Genie. And yes, I grant wishes. Why else would so many crave this stone? Dwarves and some humans maybe, they're odd like that. But elves? It's not really their style. They're more the sort to obsess over who has a better looking tree house. On second thought, they're an odd sort too, just a different kind of odd."

Bilbo nodded numbly. He was still trying to figure out how this 'Genie' was possible. A wish granting being? How exactly did that work?

Apparently he had spoken aloud as the 'Genie' began to answer his question. "Simple. When the universe was made the creator realized that answering everyone's problems is exhausting so they made myself and my siblings to lend a hand in solving problems. But the trick is that we aren't allowed to solve more than one wish per person and we can't stay granting wishes for the same group of people forever." She shrugged. "I was not the best at using my abilities when I first came into being so I accidentally trapped myself in a shiny rock a couple eons ago and, well, only way I get out is when someone tries to clean said shiny rock." She signed, "Please don't ask for details on how I made that big of a screw up; it's embarrassing enough as it is."

"Alright, well, what's the catch then? Do you kill whoever makes the wish? Or trick the wishmaker somehow?" He asked skeptically.

She smiled humorously. "Most Genie have rules for whoever finds them to follow. It helps to prevent bigger problems down the road. I mean, I could make someone fall in love with you, but when the person finds out their feelings for you were manufactured by a wish- and they always find out trust me- the result is never pretty. And since no Genie likes to be blamed for their finder making bad wishes, most just set up rules to avoid the blame of bad wish making. I don't work that way because I believe people should learn from their mistakes." She shrugged. "And I don't mind people occasionally painting me with the blame, it's not like it impacts my life or anything."

He stared at the being before him for a few long moments. "Are you telling me that you have absolutely no limits?"

"Yep" she said popping the p.

"No rules about not making others fall in love?"

"Uh-huh."

"No rules against killing people?"

"Correct."

He quickly sat down on one of the many rocks covering the mountainside. This was too much. An all-powerful, wish granting, no-rules-at-all being just stumbles into his lap? "What's the catch?"

"Hmm?"

"The catch. There has to be a catch. There's no way you just go about granting wishes out of the goodness of your heart. What do you get out of this?"

She smiled. It wasn't a nice smile. "Entertainment. Many of my kind are content to watch the outside world pass on without interacting unless necessary, but I like to be involved in the action. Thank all that Tanki is okay with me running around without rules."

"Tanki?" Bilbo asked curious.

A nod. "Tanki. It's what I call the creator of time and energy. Each Genie calls them something else because no one knows the creator's true name and even if we did we wouldn't dare to speak it."

"Why not?" He asked curious (and desperate for a conversation about something that was hopefully easier to comprehend than he being in front of him).

A look of absolute horror came over the Genie. "Call the creator by their true name? Do you know what that would do?"

Bilbo just shook his head, confused. "True name? What's that?"

"Oh, that's right, you're a short-term. You lot don't live long enough to get true names." she said in a manner so factual that Bilbo almost wasn't insulted. Almost.

"I have a name! It's Bilbo Baggins!" He said affronted.

She shook her head. "No silly. Not your common name. Your true name. Every long-term being has at least two names; one which others call you and one which is, well, you. It defines who you are, what you have been and what you will ever be. It holds the key to your soul. It takes more years to learn your true name than you short-term creatures live. Even your precious Elves don't live long enough to find their true names ninety-nine times out of a hundred."

He frowned. "You call me a short-term creature. Why? I mean, I know I'm short, but you could at least call me a Hobbit!"

She sighed as if he had just said the stupidest thing imaginable. "Hobbit is your race, short-term refers to your lifespan. I am a long-term creature- I was created the day this world was created and will die the day this world dies. I will not die by any other means." She paused, thoughtful. "Excluding if another being uses a wish to get rid of me that is."

"What about if I destroy the Arkenstone?" She twitched when he said her container's name but he was looking at the stone itself and not her so he missed it. "Would you die then?"

"Even if my container is destroyed, I would simply be free of the curse I accidentally put on myself." She shrugged. "Oh, and before we get to the wish granting, why did you rub the rock anyway? I was too busy looking at the camp down there and wasn't really paying attention to you."

Bilbo blushed and looked at the ground while scuffing his feet shamefully. "I tripped and dropped the stone. It ended up with dirt on it so I brushed it off so that it would look better when I present it to the people down there."

She smiled. "That's really thoughtful of you. Pointless really because they don't care how my container looks, but thoughtful."

They sat there in awkward silence together for a moment before Bilbo spoke "What now? I… well I don't know how I feel about giving a rule-less wish granting being into the camp. Giving them a rock to bargain with against the Dwarves is one thing but…"

She gave a humorless smile. "But giving them power to alter anything and everything under the sun when you aren't even sure if you like them much less trust them? Yeah, not a great option."

"So what do I do?"

A smirk. "You make a wish."

AN: And… that's it. That's the story. What does Bilbo do? Does he make a wish, does he carry on as-planned? Does he just turn back to the Dwarves and pretend nothing happened? Run away to the Shire and escape all his problems? All up to you as the reader! Why? Because my plot bunny died a gruesome death right around this point so... :P

Also, I honestly can't figure out why else everyone would be so obsessed over the darn rock unless it had powers or something. Why else do the Dwarves care so much anyway? Like, they don't want to take back the mountain but they were totally willing to travel miles to defend it as long as Thorin said he had the stone.

Actually, feels kinda like a twist on the old "My parents aren't home" meme. The one where one party says "Want to come over?" and the other has some excuse, then the first group says "But my parents aren't home" and then the meme ends with a picture of the (presumed) second group traveling to the first group's house in some crazy way like on a kid's bike or something. Yeah, that meme, but replace "Want to come over?" with "Want to protect the Lonely Mountain?" and "But my parents aren't home" with "But I have the Arkenstone"


End file.
